Monday, January 5, 2026
I didn't go to the gym today. I also ate an entire pizza. By myself. At 2 PM. While watching reality TV. The alarm went off at 6 AM for my workout and I just... turned it off. Didn't snooze it. Turned it off. Then I woke up at 10, already disappointed in myself before my feet even hit the floor.
What happened to the person from yesterday? The one who had breakthroughs about control and stood peacefully in the grocery line? That person apparently took the day off and left this version of me in charge - the one who makes bad choices and then berates herself for making them.
I keep thinking about what my inner voice sounds like. If I talked to a friend the way I talk to myself, I wouldn't have any friends. "You're lazy. You have no discipline. You always do this. You'll never change." That's what my brain offered me all day. A constant stream of contempt from... myself, to myself.
The really twisted part is that the self-criticism doesn't help. It doesn't motivate me to do better. It just makes me feel so bad that I want to eat another pizza and watch more TV to escape the feeling. It's a loop. A really stupid, predictable loop that I've been running for years.
I'm writing this at 11 PM because I almost didn't journal today either. I thought, "What's the point? I already failed at everything else." But here I am. So there's that, I guess. One thing I didn't fail at today: showing up here and being honest about how badly I showed up everywhere else.
Stoic AF Response
Generated at 11:24 PM
"Never esteem anything as of advantage to you that will make you break your word or lose your self-respect."
First of all, you showed up. You wrote this entry at 11 PM when you could have just skipped it and added "didn't journal" to your list of failures. You didn't. That's not a small thing. That's the whole thing. That's the practice working even when you think it isn't.
Now, about that inner critic of yours - she's brutal. And she's also lying to you. "You always do this. You'll never change." Really? Always? Never? Those words don't belong in an honest assessment of a single missed workout and a pizza. They belong in a story your brain tells to keep you stuck. The Stoics called this kind of thinking "adding to the injury." The pizza happened. That's one thing. The three hours of self-flagellation? That's a second thing, and it's often worse than the first.
Here's what Seneca would say (and I'm paraphrasing because he was a bit verbose): Progress isn't a straight line. It's not even a squiggly upward line. It's a mess of steps forward, steps back, and days where you stand still. The question isn't whether you'll have bad days - you will. The question is whether you can have a bad day without letting it define you.
Tomorrow, when the alarm goes off, you have two options: go to the gym, or don't. Either way, speak to yourself as you would speak to someone you love. No "always" and no "never." Just: "Today, I chose X. Tomorrow, I can choose again."